and so the story goes...

so i was talking to one of my nearest and dearest friends, and well...
aisa asked about a specific person whom i used to call my best friend....
and i realized how intense it was that we are no longer best friends.

i mean the both of us, we went thru sooo much together,
ever since i was a freshman in high school, i dubbed her ateh...
then we just grew closer and closer, we gave each other that shoulder to cry one that no one else could provide..

and somewhere along the way, one of us changed, maybe her, maybe me....
the funny thing is, you always see the change in other people than in yourself, so i couldnt honestly tell you who really changed...

and now i'm here, it was her birthday last month, and it was the first birthday that i didnt spend with her...
it was the first year that we, weren't BFF's

but God knows....
i miss her so much...

i miss the late night sessions....
i miss the infinite text messages and phone calls throughout the day...
nobody has taken her place, and sometimes in hopes that she might take that space back up again...

i never ever thought that i would be this sad about not being friends with her any longer...

there's so many times when i've wanted to call her, or text her and just tell her...

i'm sorry that i did things the way i did, and that i'd hope we could start over...
but i could picture the face she makes when she sees my text because she cant possibly forgive me, or thinks i'm just a stupid, naive asss.

when my nanay was in the hospital i was so thankful for all the support, and the love i got...
my family, friends, and co-workers were extremely supportive...
but i for some reason, hoped that michelle would randomly call me and say "hey bitch i fucking miss u"...
because michelle would say that....
and i could cry my heart out to her because i was so scared that this trip to the hospital was going to be a extremely crucial one...
because michelle, is one of the very few people that arent family or brian that understand how MUCH my nanay means to me...
because michelle was always compassionate and concerned enough to concern herself with the relationships i had with my nanay...

what an idiot i must have been to not support her,
for the first time in our friendship i think that inadvertently, she was asking for help...
and i walked away, because....
because i was selfish and felt like i should no longer partake in such behavior...

but....
i wish...
i was just fucking there for her...

:::sigh::::

life....it's something else